Many people outside of my family do not know this fact about me; I love to rant. I often have just hours of speech and words prepared and I have so much I want to say that I have to get it all out. And since this is a personal rant and not a high school debate I can use as much time as I want.
So if you haven’t gotten the gist already then understand now friends, a rant is about to drop.
I might not say my full rant because I have already exhausted it between my brother, mother and my roommate, and I feel like everyone is truly sick of my complaining and well that is starting to hurt me a little. I have had a pretty rough week. What started as a simple week turned out into two days of throwing up with the stomach flu and the others days realizing that I am exhausted and I am starting to increase my level of stress.
Another big thing about me. I am not good with stress. Last September I had went through what I like to call the “spiraling out of control” phase of my life.By the time December rolled around I was told that my spiraling phase was associated and finally identified as depression and anxiety. I remember I was actually revealed to hear this news because I realized that there was a reason for my feelings and I wasn’t just (well at least not 100%) crazy.
As a result I went through 8 months of therapy before I went away to college and honestly learned so much about myself, life and how I can and need to be in control of my life. (SHOUT OUT TO MY HOMEGIRL LIZZIE!) One of the biggest things that I learned was that people will not understand what is always best for you. And you truly do know how you operated, what makes you motivated and what you need to be your best self.
I say this because I feel like I am the only one who truly understands why I should quit my job even if its only been a week. I do see that from the outside looking in that seems pretty ridiculous considering that isn’t that much time. But its similar to how one of my friends dropped out of a 4 year college after 2 weeks of her first semester. You know when you know…
I guess what I am trying to get at is, and I am solely speaking for how I feel and (trying) to ignore the opinions of others. But I am 19 years old. Why force myself to be in a place I do not like and feel uncomfortable in if I don’t have too. Yes, I could say life is so short and all the other inspirational bullshit I have pinned on Pinterest. But why should I force myself into something that is providing me with no benefit and no rewards that I couldn’t potential find somewhere else?! Yes I need to make money, but do I have to earn it in a place that feels so disorganized, dreary and unsafe?
Maybe I am being dramatic, oversensitive or again not giving something enough time to develop but I am just not happy. I nearly cry every time I have to leave, I complain about it all the time to my family and friends, I count the seconds while I’m there and feel as if time doesn’t move at all. Why should I continue to subject myself to that level?
Bare in mind since I am in college, I wont go homeless or be much poorer without a job. My father recommended finding another job before dipping, which I agree is a good idea. However going back to what I learned from therapy. I am in control of my happiness, my fate and my emotions. And this kind of feeling is only feeding my depression and drowning me back under the darkness. And no one knows how that feel and how that affects me. I do not have to justify that to anyone.
So what am I going to do?
I feel bad for continuously talking about this but I have a inkling that things are only going to get worse and become more complicated. Maybe I was just not cut out to do this. Sure it is a job and I am a professional and not everything in life is going to be easy,but, I am still young. I am not locked into such a strict schedule or have a husband and child who demand the money. I have the flexibility and I want to enjoy it.
I just feel like I am starting to suffocate and I am starting to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. Since the throwing up this week wasn’t me being pregnant, I take it as a warning sign. I never get that sick. And if there was anything I learned from my year of lessons (aka 2015) or Olivia Pope (my idol) TRUST YOUR FUCKING GUT