This morning I started procrastinating getting dressed by scrolling through Buzzfeed articles. The article that sparked my mind to write this post came from “The Best Lines from Robin Scherbatsky’s” and for those of you who aren’t cool (I’m only kind of kidding) and don’t worship How I Met Your Mother, that is where Robin Scherbatsky isfrom. Anyways one of the quotes was:
“Have you ever had one those days where nothing at all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are any more or what the hell you’re doing with you life?”
Well thanks for the wording Scherbatsky cause that quote perfectly sums up all the emotions I have had to over the last couple weeks. Do not ask me why my mind has been tracing in such deep circles for so long because well… your guess is as good as mine.
Nothing big has really happen to me, which makes this situation all the more confusing. All I can say is there has been a lot more depression and anxiety in my life then usual and I’m starting to feel that drowning sensation again. And well like I said, I’m not the best with coping with stress and lose of control. How much so? Well lets just say I have formed a new friendship with tequila. When I sent a snapchat to a friend about it, she questioned “turn up on a Sunday?” I wish I had replied with “trying to survive on a Sunday”.
Depression is a very weird illness. I don’t talk about it too much with anyone about how it still very much effects more or how I am trying to make a difference in my life. As you have already been informed I went through 8 months of therapy, which honestly was one of the best decisions I think I have ever made. And well it feels like that’s the direction I am heading back towards now. But… i don’t know… this time feels harder, feels worse, feels unreal.
When I moved to college, I decided to cancel my appointment at the Student Health Center that was set for me to continue my treatment here. My logic back in August was that; this was going to be my battle and my fight for the rest of my life. So wasn’t this the time to learn to fight my own battles?
I don’t know what has brought this back on, but it has just hit me like a ton of bricks when the last few times it gradually came back into my reality. My spring semester of college making me want to crush my brain is certainly not helping the situation. The stress of a new job and the feelings of isolation creeping back into my mind are making my brain cloudy and foggy. I just want to shut it off.
That’s where tequila and alcohol become my best friend. To my friends they think I am just being crazy and being a college kid. But to me its the only time I truly feel the escape. It is such an orgasmic, overwhelming feeling when I feel the liquid slow my functions, decrease my mobility and watch my problems easily leave my mind. I feel invincible, I feel lighter and I feel normal. Even if its just a moment, an hour, I feel bearable and I escape my mind that is constantly exhausting me. Even when I sleep I find no escape. Either through waking up in panic attacks or tossing and turning I feel no relief. I am always a active participate in my worst nightmare.
When will this nightmare end?