With Spring Break within my reached I can easily say I am shutting down rapidly. It has pretty much been my vibe all semester but this week I know it is going to come out in full force. In “four days and wake up”, as my father always say, I will be back home in California and I am so fucking ready to go home. My bed, my state, my dogs for a whole week? Yes please! (and yes my parents too— if they ever find this)
Anyways besides totally being over Spring semester, the major thoughts I have had this week has been about my health. This semester my roommate and I both came back from Winter Break with the worlds most common New Year’s Resolution, to finally get our shit together and work out/eat better. And while I have definitely had my ups and downs with this New Year’s Resolution, I have been giving it a lot of thought this week.
I work at a fast food joint. One of the reasons I thought working there would be good was because I haven’t been a customer in well over 10 years so I was not going to feel the need to eat it…WRONG! After making and serving the food all day for a month I got curious so after one late night shift on a Friday night, I craved and decided to bring work home with me instead of paying for something else. And although I didn’t think it was the best, it did make me curious to try other things and now here we are! I am more willing to let myself snack and test stuff. As we all know fast food is not good for you. And after not consuming it for so long, I do not think my body is adjusting well to it.
There were times this week where I had heartburn. I am 19 years old and I had like five burning heart sensations in my chest and it made me want to die. And all I could think about was “look at what you are doing to yourself”.
This week more then ever I have had a lot of angry conversations with myself about my body and my health. Several times while looking in the mirror, I was either like “better then before” or “this is disgusting and what the hell are you letting yourself do”. Even if I stay under a certain amount of calories per day, having all those calories be fast food or junk isn’t good. And although I fully believe depriving yourself isn’t good, always allowing yourself some junk isn’t good and that’s my problem. Once I tell myself yes one time, I let myself always say yes.
But it gets hard! I sometimes see a salad and just think of how gross it sounds and I don’t want to consume it. I eat a whole large pizza by myself and then I get so incredible frustrated. I have no middle ground.
But the thing that gets me is how shitty I feel. Yes, I want to lose some weight but my other motivation for being healthy is that my body is doing so much for me and I feel guilty for treating it like shit. I don’t want to get those kinds of serious health conditions farther down the road because I wasn’t willing to be kind to my body now. I really need to be better and to do better.
I want to spend my quiet Spring Break relaxing and reflection. I need to treat my body right because I am never going to see something I like in my mirror if I keep allowing myself to treat my body like crap. It is so much harder then it sounds but I can’t allow myself to continue down this abusive road.
I gotta make a change… for once in my life.