I’m Crawling Back Into Bed

I do not think I have ever felt more stressed, depressed and tired in my entire life. College is taking everything out of me.

Fuck who ever thought algebra was important

I have taken algebra three times throughout my school years and I passed every single time with not too many bumps. Tell me why now I can’t score higher than a D on anything?

On Sunday, I will find out if I have to official drop the class for the semester. I have never felt more like a failure in my entire life until this semester and it is eating away at me on the inside.

I am not happy  and I am not okay. I am gonna be brutally honest. My life feels like a hot fucking mess, and no it’s not just cause of the algebra. After 2015, I really wanted to get my shit together, because I have kissed rock bottom and it doesn’t kiss back. That bitch bites back.

But here I am now, almost 4 months of 2016 down and I am clearly unhappy. But this time it’s different. Last year I was stuck, I was lost and I was out of control. This year, I am in control of my life more but I have elements that I am keeping around that are bringing me down and I don’t want to be in that place any more.

There are a number of things that are contributing to this feeling of failure and idiocy. The constant hatred of getting out of the bed and knowing nothing is going to make me happy. Nothing to look forward too? If you were wondering, yes it really is an awful way to live.

So why do I keep doing it?

Why do I keep clocking into my meager fast food job and literally watch the seconds until I can go home. I spend like 22 hours a week there and I hate every single second of it. Sure there are some people that make it not so bad but overall I hate it. I hate the way customers treat me, I hate that the management is a shit show, employees give zero fucks and I hate the aspect of the job itself. God I admire people who are gonna do that for 30 years. I won’t be able to stand it.

But the main thing that I have been asking myself.. something that I talked ago a few months ago when I got this job, is why keep myself in a place I don’t have to be? I, unlike some of my fellow colleagues, do not depend on our restaurant in order to survive. If I quit this job today, I could make it work. I have a goal at the end of the tunnel. In order to take off $21,000 off my tuition bill, I have to make $2000 from this job. It is the only reason I am there and my parents have always said if my job is taking away from my effort in the classroom then I need to quit.

But boy does that just give me more anxiety… How do I just leave the opportunity to lower my tuition and stay at this beautiful school that I do love. There is so much pressure on me to fulfill my part of taking the burden off of my parents. I am 19 years old and I am an adult and these are the responsibilities I signed on to the day I turned 18 and receive my high school diploma.

Sure I could still work over the summer, but again there is pressure to make all my money on time and to stay at this job longer because finding another one gets complicated with my lack of transportation. I also am taking classes at my school over the summer so the same pressure from being the best at everything is still there at all times.

I CAN NOT BREATHE 

I wanted something good to come out of this misery. I wanted to buy a car. 204 hours at a shitty job and use those small paychecks in order to buy a car? Sounds like a good outcome out of all this sadness. But will my parents help me if I fail? If I am a failure, why would they want to give additional money to me when I just wasted their money being a fucking failure.

YOU ARE A GOD DAMN FAILURE

I want to make things easier for myself next year. And of course I want to fit in, I want to be like everyone else and everyone else has a car. I want a car. I want to have my own transportation because that is my way of having another form of independence as well as taking on more responsibility.  But my parents think what I have saved isn’t enough. So I might have to stay at my job longer, because maybe a period of unemployment won’t help me get a vehicle.

I DON’T THINK I CAN TAKE THIS ANYMORE

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to known the difference

Pray for me

I hope the monster will turn out to be just trees.

(Yes I quote everything, I guess it’s a signature)

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