Always The Girl, Never The Girlfriend

Today I write this, sitting on my couch in my sweatpants watching How I Met Your Mother  and having not brushed my teeth at 2:30 in the afternoon wile I wait for my anti depressants to kick in.

But I figured this was a keen time as any to discuss my most recent revelations. Over the weekend, I got hit on by a guy during work. Which as an attractive women in a fast food restaurant happens often (not to toot my own horn). But this guy seemed different. Since high school I have learned that I am a fuck boy magnet. I do not know what happen if my willingness to put out while I tried to figure out my life made me permanently scream “I like casual sex but it has seemed to stick. So I showed have known better when I was feeling courted by this new guy, because well that stuff doesn’t happen to me.

He asked for my name, he asked me on Facebook, we texted till 3 am and the entire the next day. But my walls were not entirely ready to melt away, and I hate to admit it but there was a red flag in the back of my mind the whole time. And today I can say with clarity that I should have known better. I am always the girl, the girl that gets called at 3 am for sex, the girl that you can not commit to fully, the girl that you treat like a girlfriend but never call you the girlfriend. I am always the in between, rebound, nothing serious girl but I am never the girlfriend.

I know it’s hard because I am a 19 year old college sophomore and this is the primetime age for one night stands, casual relationships and nothing serious. But I have already done that. I had a wild phase in high school and I was hoping college would be different. And boy do I know that college is far from over but I am tired of being hopeful. I am tired of thinking that someone would want me as the girlfriend and well I am sad to see that the hopeless romantic in me is dying a little today.

And yes, today I am giving myself the excuse to lay on my couch and treat myself as the lonely, heartbroken, recently dumped girl. Not combing my hair, my first meal being ice cream and drowning my sorrow with a mixture of Netflix, snacks and Beyonce’s Lemonade.

Today I am allow myself to be better, drunk and sad.

That’s all I got for today.



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